Change.......

This was our blog challenge for last month on the chatty metalsmiths team, but as usual life got in the way and I forgot. I have been so damn busy for the last few months that I have senior moments often.

I have spent my whole life working to change and doing myself a great disservice by allowing other people to dictate or tell me what they thought was wrong with me, or how I talk to much, or I am intense, or I am too sensitive, or I am to this or that. I took those things to heart, very much to heart, much more than I should. Spent a great deal of time trying to break those tapes in my head and the job isn't quite complete, but it's loads better than it was.

Over the last few years I have been on what you call a life changing binge. I have experienced so many curve balls, and while my best is to fight tooth and nail against these and resist, most of the time I just rode the wave to see where it took me. Not always ending up where I wanted to be or ending up with what I wanted or thought I deserved.

During this process, I let many many people go from my life. I was tired of being judged and "should-ed" I am a grown up for crying out loud not a 3 year old.

Change isn't easy for me by any means. I use to give too many second chances and ended up a door mat more times than I care to admit. The last few years I kinda changed all that, not as quickly as I would have liked to have, but its a process. You see I see people for who they are underneath, not exactly what's surface. I always see the potential.

Well I must admit, potential don't get you shit. Took me along time to get the definition of potential and for it to sink in.

The past year was another round of cleaning out the closet again, something that seems to be a reoccurring theme for me. I don't look at all of it as loss but more so as what I really don't need anymore. Not that I like it or accept it gracefully, but I can't do a damn thing about it, unless I want to continue to be miserable and unsatisfied in personal relationships or life. It's just change, it hurts.

This past year brought family deaths, illness in the family, my job has grown and changed, my friends have changed, the one who I thought might be the one disappeared, my relationship with my mother changed for the better, my car brought changes for the better and still is, probably the most patient lesson I have yet had to face, because Attorneys work in their time, not yours, but as it's at it's end, it's still bringing change, because as of this moment I have no idea when the $$ gets here, so I can close that door. But it's change and it's good. Hind sight is always wonderful to have, however sometimes I cannot see anything for a very long time.

People grow up and grow out of things. I certainly have. What I loved 2 years ago, I no longer love. Where I was happy and felt like I was supposed to be, feels like I no longer belong here anymore, sometimes I feel like I can't imagine myself being here forever, and wonder where I would thrive best. city, nature, ocean, farm, house, loft, shack, foreign country, south, west, snow (even though I don't like it), etc. I have no clue, but I have felt stuck for awhile and can feel the changes coming.

I don't hate change, it's part of life. It makes life interesting. I sometimes go through it gracefully and I sometimes go through it in an ugly sort of way.